Sometimes I feel so sad I honest to God feel like I could curl up in a ball and die but within minutes, I see a post from a friend, hear my daughters laugh, or my husband gives me a big smile and a hug; suddenly all is better, at least for five minutes.
I'm not even sure what I'm really going through right now; I have so many emotions flowing from minute to minute, hour to hour. Alone, deceived, manipulated, naïve, lost, abandoned; open, wise, intellectually stimulated, enlightened, found, and welcome. My heart wants to commiserate, my mind wants to move forward. I don't have time to play these games with myself. I have responsibilities, commitments, and much to look forward to. Oddly the one thing I do not feel is depressed.
Back to counseling yesterday, my therapist called me a "genius," and made it clear that I am very in touch and aware of my situation; this makes for a lot of interesting discussion and gets me through faster. She said I make her job easy; I'll take that as my head being in a good place. Unfortunately, it doesn't come with a discount.
I am very anxious to get started on my new blog. For as many times as I have thought I need to delete "Chasing 10," I haven't been able to go through with it. Much of it represents a lot of pain and heartache from my past, but much of it also represents finding myself and gives meaning to where I have been, and where I am going.
Part of my homework assignment from my therapist includes expanding my social circle; finding friends that can meet my intellectual and social needs, especially during the evenings. I've found some "meet up" groups in my area that involve writing, and a diverse coffee klatch that involves music, one of my great passions. I'm very excited about both.
The mistakes of my past will not be the errors of my future. I am worthy of much more.