Considering myself to have led a sheltered life, in that I never knew what it was to really lose a friendship, be "unfriended" on Facebook, or have arguments that caused me to say words that would make my Grandmother roll over in her grave(until these last few years), has been quite the experience. Finding myself in the company of gay males more often than not (by choice,I might add), it has become very apparent to me that there are no "mean girls" on the planet, as mean as a gay man scorned. On the flip side, there is nothing that makes me smile as big as seeing a gay man in the throws of forgiveness or the height of happiness.
I have developed somewhat of an addiction to friendships with gay men and for good reason. My Mother was what I would consider a great Mother, given what she had to work with (that's my way of letting her off easy). Comes to be, she never really knew that she was supposed to protect me from a lot of things in life. This in turn caused me to be very insecure (which I myself never realized until recently) but more so made me realize that I have lived most of my life in fear, afraid of everything. Afraid of going to Hell, afraid of getting fired from my job, afraid of how someone might respond to me, afraid for my children, my marriage, and even afraid of being afraid.
That said, there has never really be anyone in my life that protected me and made me feel like I could rely on them, and not be afraid of something (except my Brother when I was a kid; unfortunately he turned out to have a drug addiction and is now dead). This has made me the dominant person in my relationships. Dominance is a very male oriented characteristic which long way around, explains why I am more comfortable in the company of men. Gay men especially, as the threat of any indiscretion is completely eliminated. Having gay male friends is almost like being in a brotherhood, for me. It's a place where I can be who I am, open up, and trust. No pretense, no competition, no judgment.
My therapist seems to think this is a sign I'm either a Lesbian or that I'm not happy in my marriage. I have assured her that I have no physical attraction to women and the main reason I have female friends honestly, is because that what society warrants. I have never really been able to open up to my female friends; ironically now I know why, it's because of my insecurity and my inability to trust (possibly women) in my life. After all, why do you think women prefer male hairdressers? It's because when a female tells you your hair looks like shit you know it looks amazing; when a male tells you it looks like shit, it looks like shit. As far as my marriage, I'm not going to lie; I love my Husband but my marriage is work; I don't know anyone who after 26 years is telling the truth if they say it's not. The only "sign" here is that I'm the dominant partner in my marriage and I need friends (i.e. men) I can relate to, to help me get through my day. .
Although one might think this some kind of a "condition" or "fetish" in and of itself, I actually look at it simply as gay men having intrinsic value in my life. Their friendships make me feel good because I have someone to share my thoughts with who aren't judging me the way some women might. They are friends that can see things from a dominant perspective and give me advice I can trust and that is pertinent to my life.
This is good because it helps me find solutions to a lot of my problems, which in turn enables me to have a more clear head. I can then more fully appreciate the good things in my life. This is important because I've earned them. I am a good person. I do good things. I deserve to be treated well. I deserve not to be afraid or live my life in fear. I deserve to be able to let my guard down and trust someone enough to protect me, even if its only for advice, simply because that's the way life should be.
Everyone deserves not be afraid. Everyone deserves to be able to let their guard down, even if only for a little while. Everyone deserves to have someone in their life of intrinsic value. Thank you to all of the gay men in my life. I love you with all my heart and the value of your friendship to me, is priceless.