Today I threw out the typewriter. We have a dumpster at my house. We are trying to prepare to put the house on the market in the next few years, but we have to take babysteps. It's all too hard for my Husband, who built the house with his Father, and the help of a lot of other very good friends and family.
His Father and Mother both passed away within 6 months of each other, last year. September 21st, will be a year for his Mom. His parents lived a very good and long life. They had a few ups and downs here and there but for the most part life was not only good to them, it was great to them.
My Husband now has finally grown up. He truly knows what loss and sadness are; what having a really responsible job and being the breadwinner mean. What seeing your parents decline and role reversal do to a person. It not easy but all very necessary.
I lost my Dad over 20 years ago and life was never the same for me. You do that whole "new normal"thing but it never feels quite right again...ever. It's not like I expected it too, I just didn't realize it would be such a long hard road.
My Dad died a week after his 61st birthday. I was lucky to have had him to walk me down the aisle and be Pappy to both of my girls, but it wasn't nearly for long enough. I loved my Dad. I miss him a lot. Still.
Sometimes I look for him in other family members or men his age. Occasionally I will see a rare glimpse. I think he is still with me. I think he still sees me, and my girls. I find a lot of dimes. I think that's his calling card. He used to have a change bag in the bottom drawer of his dresser when I was young, which kept me supplied with whatever pocket change I needed, growning up. I almost never asked permission. I just assumed it was mine too. He never complained or even asked me if I had taken some of the change.
There were a lot of things we didn't say out loud, but we had this silent understanding. The only real time I remember a verbal reprimand from him was when I got caught smoking pot and had to go into the police station (all thanks to my Brother), and made my Mom cry.
It's my Brother's birthday today. He died a few weeks before his 45th birthday. I'm taking my Mom to dinner tonight. It's just her and me. I need to recognize this for my Mom; it's bittersweet for me. He died because of a weak heart. He was a recovering drug addict.
I threw away my typewriter today because even though it was one of the best gifts I have ever received in my entire life, and you surprised me with it at the 50th birthday party you worked so hard to have for me, I miss you, but I don't miss you.
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