Still Here

I've always been good at being told what to do inside of the workplace or the classroom. Outside of that, not so much. I don't have any desire to be a leader, at least not at this point in my life.  I do like the idea of "being the change."  I just bought a bent teaspoon made into a keychain inscribed with exactly that; it's supposed to look vintage, which worked for me, because I would consider my self vintage.

There have been a lot of not nice and not comfortable things that have happened to me this past week. I am only really beginning my journey on the other side of a friendship that was taken back; retracted, rescinded, rejected. We had been friends for almost a decade. It came on rather suddenly but I have to say, it really wasn't surprising to either of us. It didn't make the sting, any less.

We met at the wedding of a mutual friend, some years ago. He was dating the Groom's Brother, and I was attending with my family; the best friend of my Husband, was the Groom's Father. To make it more complicated, my youngest Daughter was dating the Groom's "other" Brother. Some things that stick in my head from that day...chit chatting, Jesse's meltdown in the (girls) bathroom, with his Mother, (most of the night), dancing, my friend telling me he would keep an eye on my Daughter that night, as she went home with the "other" Brother.

The next day, we met for breakfast, and my new friend-to-be, paid for all of us. As time went on and he continued to date Jesse, my youngest still dating the "other" Brother, the four of them came to my house one night for dinner and a bonfire. This is the first time I had ever had a Gay man in my house;, letalone two. The first time I had ever seen Gay men embrace. The first time I had ever seen Gay men kiss. They stole my heart.

I recently came to find that my friend had struck up a relationship with me because he thought I was close with Jesse; I befriended him because I was fascinated by him. He was a blogger. I fell in love with his is writing and his life experience. We were both dealing with elder parents and both had Brother's with drug addictions.  It was not until many years later, while I was in therapy after experiencing an Empathic Situational Depression, did I realize, the friend that I had come to practically worship, had his own serious mental health issues.

He and I have gone through a million ups and downs over the years. I have always tried to see our similarities, but he has always seen our differences. Me being a Christian, family oriented, and a moderate Republican. He being an Atheist, loner, and staunch Democrat. He said our similarities affected me in a positive way, and our differences affected him in a negative way. He was right. He was always right, but I just refused to give up.

He said he was compromising who and what he stood for and intimated that we are in a social climate right now that will now allow us to see beyond our differences, or maintain a friendship.  Apparently it's my cognitive dissonance. I had never heard of that before, but maybe he's right.

He helped me find myself after being mired down in 25 years of codependency. I spoke at his Father's funeral. He helped me find my courage, and told me to never apologize for what I write. I met with his doctor who told me to call in his family, as he lay dying. I called in his friends.

I feel at any given moment my heart is breaking into a million pieces and just as quickly, I am fine, floating in a sea of calm.

In a week where I had to watch him walk past me with some of his oldest and dearest friends, where I sustained the worst foot and ankle sprain of my life, and the Church that I have known and loved for almost 25 years is in shambles, I somehow and still here...by the grace of my God, who I am trusting to see me through.

 I am guessing going forward, the Universe, his politics, and his "other" friends, will see him through.