Sunday, September 16, 2018

Truth

People are often
Unreasonable and self-centered,
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
People may accuse you of ulterior motives,
Be kind anyway.

If you are honest,
People may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness,
People may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today
May be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
And it may never be enough.
Give your best, anyway.

For you see, in the end,
It is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

                                                                                  - Mother Teresa

Saturday, September 15, 2018

No More Darkness

The Roman Catholic Church has been embroiled in scandal, shame, and chaos during these last several weeks, following  a Grand Jury Report that made public,  accusations of  alleged sexual misconduct with minor's, by  approximately 300 Priests/Brothers/Deacon's/and Seminarians, in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Diocese, during the 1940's - 1990's.

I chose to be a member and raise my children in this Church almost 25 years ago. After the news broke, I selfishly tried to avoid hearing about it or watching it for a day or so until I thought I was ready to handle what was coming out. I found out very quickly that there is no way to prepare yourself to hear or read about behavior that is so egregious and disguisting, it falls to the level of  something worse than pure evil.

There are literally thousands of heart wrenching stories from the people who have been victimized, and they continue to break, as the investigation gets bigger and bigger. Meanwhile, I have come to find that while my head was buried somewhere in the sand in 2002, when something very similar was disclosed in Boston.

In no way would I ever mean to diminish the actual victims, but in some way, all of the members of the Roman Catholic Church have been victimized. How could we feel any differently, if we truly are catholic?

I have been left to make a decision. Where will I go to worship? Who will I support? How do I help?  After some serious contemplation I have come to a decision, at least for now, that is not an easy decision.  This year, I will honor my promise to teach CCD given my prior committment. I will attend Mass every week. I will continue to tithe.

I  cannot allow the wretched and deceitful behavior of these men push me away from my fellow Christians. If I don't stay, I can't hope to make a difference.  I certainly cannot help from the outside. I am committed to do whatever I can to help see that justice is done, and our children can be taught and worship, in a safe healthy enviornment.

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Miss You, Don't Miss You

Today I threw out the typewriter.  We have a dumpster at my house. We are trying to prepare to put the house on the market in the next few years, but we have to take babysteps. It's all too hard for my Husband, who built the house with his Father, and the help of a lot of other very good friends and family.

His Father and Mother both passed away within 6 months of each other, last year.  September 21st, will be a year for his Mom. His parents lived a very good and long life. They had a few ups and downs here and there but for the most part life was not only good to them, it was great to them.

My Husband now has finally grown up. He truly knows what loss and sadness are; what having a really responsible job and being the breadwinner mean. What seeing your parents decline and role reversal do to a person. It not easy but all very necessary.

I lost my Dad over 20 years ago and life was never the same for me. You do that whole "new normal"thing but it never feels quite right again...ever. It's not like I expected it too, I just didn't realize it would be such a long hard road.

My Dad died a week after his 61st birthday.  I was lucky to have had him to walk me down the aisle and be Pappy to both of my girls, but it wasn't nearly for long enough. I loved my Dad.  I miss him a lot. Still.

Sometimes I look for him in other family members or men his age. Occasionally I will see a rare glimpse. I think he is still with me. I think he still sees me, and my girls.  I find a lot of dimes.  I think that's his calling card. He used to have a change bag in the bottom drawer of his dresser when I was young, which kept me supplied with whatever pocket change I needed, growning up.  I almost never asked permission.  I just assumed it was mine too. He never complained or even asked me if I had taken some of the change.

There were a lot of things we didn't say out loud, but we had this silent understanding.  The only real time I remember a verbal reprimand from him was when I got caught smoking pot and had to go into the police station (all thanks to my Brother), and made my Mom cry.

It's my Brother's birthday today. He died a few weeks before his 45th birthday.  I'm taking my Mom to dinner tonight.  It's just her and me.  I need to recognize this for my Mom; it's bittersweet for me.  He died  because of a weak heart.  He was a recovering drug addict.

I threw away my typewriter today because even though it was one of the best gifts I have ever received in my entire life, and you surprised me with it at the 50th birthday party you worked so hard to have for me, I miss you, but I don't miss you.



Friday, August 17, 2018

Still Here

I've always been good at being told what to do inside of the workplace or the classroom. Outside of that, not so much. I don't have any desire to be a leader, at least not at this point in my life.  I do like the idea of "being the change."  I just bought a bent teaspoon made into a keychain inscribed with exactly that; it's supposed to look vintage, which worked for me, because I would consider my self vintage.

There have been a lot of not nice and not comfortable things that have happened to me this past week. I am only really beginning my journey on the other side of a friendship that was taken back; retracted, rescinded, rejected. We had been friends for almost a decade. It came on rather suddenly but I have to say, it really wasn't surprising to either of us. It didn't make the sting, any less.

We met at the wedding of a mutual friend, some years ago. He was dating the Groom's Brother, and I was attending with my family; the best friend of my Husband, was the Groom's Father. To make it more complicated, my youngest Daughter was dating the Groom's "other" Brother. Some things that stick in my head from that day...chit chatting, Jesse's meltdown in the (girls) bathroom, with his Mother, (most of the night), dancing, my friend telling me he would keep an eye on my Daughter that night, as she went home with the "other" Brother.

The next day, we met for breakfast, and my new friend-to-be, paid for all of us. As time went on and he continued to date Jesse, my youngest still dating the "other" Brother, the four of them came to my house one night for dinner and a bonfire. This is the first time I had ever had a Gay man in my house;, letalone two. The first time I had ever seen Gay men embrace. The first time I had ever seen Gay men kiss. They stole my heart.

I recently came to find that my friend had struck up a relationship with me because he thought I was close with Jesse; I befriended him because I was fascinated by him. He was a blogger. I fell in love with his is writing and his life experience. We were both dealing with elder parents and both had Brother's with drug addictions.  It was not until many years later, while I was in therapy after experiencing an Empathic Situational Depression, did I realize, the friend that I had come to practically worship, had his own serious mental health issues.

He and I have gone through a million ups and downs over the years. I have always tried to see our similarities, but he has always seen our differences. Me being a Christian, family oriented, and a moderate Republican. He being an Atheist, loner, and staunch Democrat. He said our similarities affected me in a positive way, and our differences affected him in a negative way. He was right. He was always right, but I just refused to give up.

He said he was compromising who and what he stood for and intimated that we are in a social climate right now that will now allow us to see beyond our differences, or maintain a friendship.  Apparently it's my cognitive dissonance. I had never heard of that before, but maybe he's right.

He helped me find myself after being mired down in 25 years of codependency. I spoke at his Father's funeral. He helped me find my courage, and told me to never apologize for what I write. I met with his doctor who told me to call in his family, as he lay dying. I called in his friends.

I feel at any given moment my heart is breaking into a million pieces and just as quickly, I am fine, floating in a sea of calm.

In a week where I had to watch him walk past me with some of his oldest and dearest friends, where I sustained the worst foot and ankle sprain of my life, and the Church that I have known and loved for almost 25 years is in shambles, I somehow and still here...by the grace of my God, who I am trusting to see me through.

 I am guessing going forward, the Universe, his politics, and his "other" friends, will see him through.









Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Ante Meridiem

I wish I could have stayed in that place of sweet slumbering twilight last night. The place where you write your best work, figure out the meaning of life, and all of the answers just come. You feel satisfied and accomplished; but the daybreak comes and it all disappears, slowly, like the morning mist gives way to the sun.

I saw you there, that day. One, two, three, four...into the woods.  Wanting to shout out his name because it was my place to be there, it was supposed to be me. I guess now I see how ridiculous I looked, all of those days.

What has become of us? No more kindness, compassion, mercy or grace. It's reserved only for those not selectively persecuted. In a class all of my own. I rejoiced for a time.

I live. I eat. I tend my sheep. I sleep.










Sunday, August 12, 2018

Chasing 10

Roger Jennings, Jr., 3rdnlong.wordpress.com, passed away on February 7th, 2017.  His Sister Jennifer has written Roger's story on his blog, and Roger's partner of 16 years, Antonio, has written beautiful tributes. Roger is lovingly referred to as "George,"  on the blog.

I haven't communicated with Roger for sometime, because I stopped writing my blog. We were friends on Facebook so I managed to stay connected to him. Not long ago I decided to find out what Roger had been up to, when I saw the sad new of his passing. I came to find out through reading recent posts his blog that he had been very sick with a very serious heart condition.

Roger and I never personally talked or met. I gleaned what I could about him from his posts, and he mine. I always knew that Roger had a very big heart. He was loving, considerate, and kind. I had no idea of his suffering.

Even though my own blog was very plain and unexciting, Roger always made it a point to make me feel like my words were important. He commented on almost every post. Roger would get an email alert when I had written something. I remember that one time he apologized to me saying, he couldn't believe he had missed my post; meanwhile I was only writing every month or so. 

I felt the need to dedicate my first new post to Roger. My heart is suffering right now too, but in a different way than Roger's. We never know who we are going to meet along the way, but I'm glad I had the privilege of knowing him for a time. I miss his encouragement right now.

I think if Roger got an email  that I made this post, he would tell me to be true to myself, and not to worry, as well as give me some sage advice that I wouldn't completely understand; that however, was part of his charm. 

Thank you Roger. I think you were important, too.  Sleep well, my friend.